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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
How To Talk To HerQUESTION:
I just moved to a new school and I want to get some of the girls here to like me. Problem is, I'm not exactly outgoing. Half the time when I talk I feel like I said the wrong thing.
That is really my biggest issue, starting a conversation. How exactly do you go up to someone you've never seen before and start a conversation with them?
The first thing to realize is that you're not really having a problem with TALKING. What you've got is a problem with REJECTION.
Think about it for a second: When you meet people at a party, and some guy walks up to you and says "Hi", I'm sure it's not a scary situation. I bet you can find something to say, and the conversation probably flows fairly easily. There's no real self-consciousness or weirdness.
But change that guy into a woman, and then add in your expectations and fears, and that will make your conversation mechanism seal up tighter than Fort Knox.
There's nothing wrong with this. In fact, it's probably the most common affliction guys have. And it can also be overcome fairly easily.
The key to this scenario is to stop thinking of women in quite the same way you have been, and then to prepare in advance for the situation.
First of all, it's a common situation for guys to put women on a pedestal. They all too often believe that women are these fragile, delicate creatures that hold an awesome power over them. And it's just not true.
You see, you're putting too much pressure on yourself to perform. You're bound to have anxiety and stress, which is going to make you tense up when you need to be your most relaxed. Women can sense when you're in "nervous talk" mode, and while they may have a little sympathy early on, it's not a good thing overall.
Take a moment to realize that a woman's opinion of you will not crush you or socially embarrass you. There have been plenty of women in the past that you weren't successful with, and you survived, didn't you? So remember that the pressure of getting her to like you comes from believing that her opinion of you is somehow more important than your own.
Then, accept that you're going to have to prepare a little in advance if you want to feel confident going in. You'd never see a football team take the field that hadn't at least gone through training for a few months prior to the season starting.
Take a few hours one of these nights, turn off the reruns of "Friends," and plan out a few good conversations in advance. Not word-for-word, mind you, but come up with some fun topics that would be interesting for you and a woman to chat about. Something like the latest Britney Spears publicity stunt, or where to shop for your sister's birthday present.
Next, plan out a few low-risk introductions to get it started.
Something as simple as: "Hi, I'm Rogue. I'm just meeting new people today, and you seemed like an interesting person. What's your story?"
Or start out by noticing a piece of jewelry or item of clothing she's wearing and go from there.
The art of small talk is actually easy if you can relax first, and then have a few rounds of ammo in your conversational rifle in advance. Having the ammo keeps you calm so you can have a steady aim.
Then all you have to do is fire and bring her down.
"Your Dating Black Book just cleared what before was a cloudy and mysterious subject for me... I think that was an awesome investment not just for my dating life but for my life in general... now I'm just not afraid of taking action about anything, I don't even hesitate ....
"Just by reading the newsletter, I got a pretty good idea of what was the right path , but The Dating Black Book just went inside all issues in detail.... I just can't wait to put in practice everything [this] weekend...
"Approaching woman just ain't a big deal anymore, by using the techniques I got a number of a 10, older than me ... it's going to happen I can feel it... " - R.
Here is the situation:
I had been dating this other girl casually for 5 months while still dating my girlfriend. When I mean casually, I would only see her once or twice a week and usually we would be intimate. She knew of my girlfriend from the beginning and also knew that I was having problems.
This other girl really wanted to be my girlfriend and told me she loved me many times. But at the time I just could not manage to break up with my girlfriend and kept dating this other girl.
Well about month ago the other girl told me she no longer wanted to see me because I kept going back to my girlfriend and I had to choose. She said to think if I wanted to be with her and to break it off with my girlfriend. Well I thought about it for about 3 weeks and my girlfriend and I finally
Now the problem is when I contacted the other girl she said that she got tired of waiting and is seeing someone else now (and sex has happened). But she has told me more than once that she still loves me but that I waited too long and she got fed up. She also said "Now is not the time because someone is involved." "Maybe later in the future"
I asked if she loved this guy and she said "I have feelings and want to see
where it goes." I want her now and do not want to wait. I figure she
started dating this guy to forget about me.
But I am not sure what my next step should be to win her back. I called about two days ago and she has ignored my call and voice mail message. I do not want to mess up things more and want to know the next step to getting her back.
What you have is monkey syndrome. It sounds rather mean, but it's a true phenomenon for men and women.
We don't feel the need to revisit our old infatuations if we have someone to hold on to right now. We only let go of the last vine when we've got hold of the next one.
Meaning, when you had someone, you weren't interested in the other girl. Then, when you ditched the other woman, your other woman was now unavailable.
Now, all of a sudden, you want her back.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
We all want what we cannot have.
It's human nature. And the thing we say right after that is: You don't know what you got 'til it's gone.
Now, don't start with the "she's dating him to forget about me" stuff. Maybe it's true, but it's still a bit self-centered, and it ignores the real problem - He's got her and you don't.
If she was dating him just to forget about you, she'd probably be back with you now that you're available.
Oh, and don't even give me that line about "couldn't manage to break up" either. If you want to break up, you say, "SEE YA!" and it's over. But there was probably a lot of emotional involvement, so I'll cut you some slack there. It's to be expected.
Now, I know that when I tell you guys that you need to be out there hunting multiple targets to keep yourself from falling into this trap, you rarely listen. It seems to be built in with guys to obsess over the one they can't have.
So here's what you can do if you really want to try winning her back:
1) Meet 10 new girls. Yes, it's the best thing for your attitude.
2) Don't contact this girl for at least a few weeks, or until after you've slept with or been with at least one other woman. Why? Because you're in the down cycle of emotional confidence. You're shaken up and lonely from the loss of the other girl. You're in what I call "rebound mode" where you're likely to jump into something as quick as possible to relieve that aching loneliness.
She's ignoring your calls because you're coming on too strong and freaking her out.
The answer for you right now is to relax and take it easy. NOT to chase a single woman to the exclusion of all else.
If you contact this girl during this time, you'll come on too strong and way too needy. Guaranteed. It's in your tone of email. Next you'll start calling and leaving notes and flowers and saying, "but why?" and she'll get creeped and freaked out. This is how stalking starts.
Trust me. I'm a professional at this.
3) Start doing something for yourself for the next month or so. Don't look to a woman to fill the void. Fill it with your own life and passions. THAT is sexy and interesting to a woman.
Get started on this self-development program, and you'll find that you can shed this dysfunctional state of mind. It's a temporary insanity that afflicts ALL guys. And it leads to behaving like a "nice guy."
Then, when you're ready, you can re-engage this target with the right attitude.
You see, most guys kiss up to a woman and work too hard to get a woman's attention (or "win her back"), not knowing that they need to get her ATTRACTION.
And you can't do it with a soft, nice guy attitude. You get "Nice" when you lose confidence in yourself.
Can you be firm and controlled?
Do you have what it takes to CHALLENGE women?
Or are you going to break down and treat her ... NICE.
How many times have you heard this:
"Nice Guys just don't get laid."
The Nice Guy SEEMS like what women want, but he's not. And now we are going to show you the reasons why, and help you get rid of the "Nice Guy" forever.
Are you ready to start learning how to dramatically improve your self-confidence?
Are you ready to drop that lame "Nice Guy" routine and start being a real Alpha Man?
Well, the Secrets are here:
Use the Advanced Audio Coaching to help you build on that knowledge and take your success to the extreme. Imagine having a coach giving you tips, strategies, and a complete breakdown on how to improve your technique and success with women - first hand.
You can listen to this audio RIGHT NOW on your PC or Mac, and you can even use your MP3 player to take the learning and go mobile. Put it on your i-pod!
The monthly audio series is over 100 minutes of advice and explosive tips, and it's available for download at: www.datingdynamics.com/audioprog.htm
Is there ANYTHING else worth learning more than how to be successful with women?
Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
- Maxim Radio
- Utopia Radio
- Bikini Hangout
- Seduction Insider
- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
- Single Again
- Cliff's List
- Dating Class
- The Dating Insider Book
- Man Mindset
- Summum Magazine
- Savvy Insider - the art of single living
- Carlos Xuma
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