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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
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Does Nick Lachey Ever Criticize His Dates?
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I'm writing to you to try and figure out where I went wrong. I purchased your book six months ago. I read it once and every once in awhile I look through it. So far so good.
I met Michelle at the store where I work. She used to come in for years and we were always cordial to each other. Finally she gave me her phone number and I waited six days to call her. Things went well and we hit it off. We went out on a bunch of other dates over the next few months and they were also successful.
Now here's where the problem comes in. This past Saturday we went out on a date and we had a little argument because she smoked pot with her friends a few hours before she saw me. I told her that I didn't like her smoking pot. She told me not to tell her what to do. I said okay, you have a right to live your own life. The evening ended and I took Michelle home. She gave me a hug and that was that.
A few days passed and we didn't speak to each other. Finally we connected online, and to make a long story short she said she doesn't want to continue to date me. In the past she told me that she really liked me and had a crush on me for four years.
Now I'm confused. I called her and asked her what made her feel this way, and she told me that "things just got weird between us." I felt needy then and asked if there was still a chance for us. She didn't say anything.
Doc, I thought that Michelle's Interest Level was higher than 49%. It seemed that she really liked me just a week ago. She put notes on my car telling me she missed me. I was cool with her and was never the Macho Boy or Wimpus Americanus. Now it's all shot to hell.
I would really appreciate it if you gave me some feedback on this situation. What did I do to make Michelle leave?
Chuck - who's still scratching his head
You didn't just buy my book, pal. You made an investment in your future. You didn't know it at the time, but you took precautions to protect your long-term mental health.
And that's why it's disappointing that you read The Dating Dictionary only once. Dude – this material has to be memorized! I don't know what it is with a lot of you guys. You think that just because this powerful manual is merely in your possession that it's enough, and now you have it made with the girls. But what you don't get is that it's a tool. If you don't pick the tool up and use it, practice with it, and get comfortable with it until it brings out the manly strength qualities in your personality, you're going to continue to make mistakes. And that's why you're in the boat you find yourself in right now.
And Chuck, it's obvious you haven't memorized my book because I tell you in The Dating Dictionary to keep it light and funny, no heavy subjects, and no put-downs. Which of course is exactly what you didn't do with Michelle. You put her down for something she likes to do, which violates my principles. Okay, so she's into wacky weed, and you're not a pothead. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, "Nobody's perfect." You can withdraw from the relationship gracefully and not ask her out anymore if you don't like dopers. And by the way, why are you getting into arguments with a girl on a date when the reason for a date is to increase Interest Level? As the Chinese proverb goes, "Dates aren't for proving a point, grasshopper."
Of course Michelle doesn't want you telling her what to do. Can you blame her? She hit it right on the head when she told you to take a hike. Hey Chuckie -- I'm shocked that she doesn't want to date you anymore!
Like I said, if you don't approve of her lifestyle, the solution is simple. Forget her. Don't take her out anymore. But you didn't do anything of the sort. You let Michelle dump you instead. Like my cousin General Love says, "You won the argument, but you lost the war."
But here's what's weird about you, Chuckles. You don't care for babes who do reefer, but you're calling this one up and begging to see her again. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "My son, you don't even go by your own principles!" To you Psych majors, you can't have it both ways.
Even though Michelle told you that you were history, you whimpered about whether there was still a chance for you. She just told you that you were out, didn't she? Does she have to explain to you that her Interest Level is 10,000 feet under water in the deepest part of the ocean before you get the drift? (And yeah, Chuck, I totally believe that you read my book only once -- your lousy performance proves it!)
You're absolutely right that Michelle's Interest Level was higher than 49%. Hey, it was way up in the 80s and 90s for four long years. The problem is, you went and opened your mouth.
And it's also true that Michelle dug you as recently as a week ago. But the operative words here are "a week ago" -- she doesn't dig you anymore. And she used to miss you, my friend, but that's over too. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "She's already telling the new guy she misses him."
Chuck, I've got news for you. You were BOTH guys you thought you weren't. You played Macho Boy by trying to dominate Michelle with your high-handed values, and then you turned Wimpus Americanus by going down on your knees and begging. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "When you're that wishy-washy, it's no wonder everything's shot to hell."
Here's what you did to make Michelle leave: you told her what to do. And if she told you what to do, you wouldn't like it either. (See girls, I'm not so bad!)
Remember, guys: if you don't like what she does, throw her number away -- but don't harbor any illusions of changing her.
DOC LOVE IS THE FIRST MAN IN 6000 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN
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